Well, I've been gone too long, it seems. The blog site has changed its format, so all of my picture reels are gone, all of the links, etc... I guess that's what I get for being absent! Oh well, I'll pause for a moment to catch you all up on what's been happening in the last 2 years, then later I'll fix what I can on the blog.
We've now been living in Tyler, TX for about a year and a half. I took a job as the East Texas Regional Director for U.S. Senator John Cornyn, and Tim finally has had the opportunity to work on a Master's degree.
Tim has definitely worked hard in the last year and a half, working full time and taking full loads and still maintaining a 4.0 average. He's really enjoying his studies and is eagerly anticipating the next step in his career. Tim currently works for APEC in Tyler, a sports training facility for athletes of all ages, as well as at UT Tyler as a graduate research assistant. He will graduate with a Master's in Health Science and Kinesiology in May 2013.
We adopted a precious lab mix named Remington last year, and he's been a great companion for Molly, even if he's been somewhat of an annoyance to her at times. He's beautiful. Just wait! You'll see... when I get around to posting a picture or two. (We all know how "johnny-on-the-spot" I am with these things, so.... it could be a while :).
We found a church community that we absolutely love and have gotten plugged into a few groups. And slowly, but surely, we're starting to settle in to the new "hometown." It takes time, we know, but it's easy to be impatient.
This year has not been without its trials. Last November/December, we were thrilled to discover I was pregnant, even if it did happen on the backside of a terrible ankle sprain (funny, but long, story). We waited for 11 weeks to tell friends, though family knew around 8-9 weeks.
On January 23, 2012, I told my boss and we started telling friends about our little one. But on January 24, 2012 at 4:50 in the morning, we lost the baby in a miscarriage. We were 11 weeks and 2 days along, and we were devastated.
I have to pause and say that I can't explain to someone who's never lost a child in this manner how it feels. The way we talk about miscarriage today, because it is so common, tends to diminish the true weight of what's happened. I realize well-meaning friends only want to convey that there is nothing wrong with you when you have a miscarriage, so they will say things like, "It's so common," or "Don't worry, this happens all the time." While I understand and appreciate the intent, the loss is so incredibly personal that their words really offered little to no comfort.
As it was happening, I apologized and apologized to Tim, as if I could control what was happening. He was so sweet and so strong through it all. Though somewhat traumatic, I got to see my baby that day, and I quickly saved him or her for burial. I now am confident enough to say that after seeing my child, I am completely and 100% for mandatory ultrasounds for women contemplating abortion. If they knew and got to see that it truly IS a living being inside of them, not a mass of cells, or a bunch of tissue, or the ever-elusive "fetus," I am convinced that many more women would choose to let that sweet child live. I could hop on a soap box here, but I won't.
That afternoon, I had a DNC procedure to clean out the remaining tissue so as to prevent infection. The surgery was quick and painless, but my trip to the hospital included a visit to the ER after I passed out in admissions. The staff was kind, and I was fortunate that an ER nurse started my IV (they are PRO's at it...seriously). My doctor was great as well - which, as an aside, her daughter broke her leg that day only adding to the craziness of her world. I was so grateful for her.
Ultimately, what helped me get through it all was the sense of God's presence, the strength of my husband, and the love of my family. As I was miscarrying my baby, the song, "10,000 Reasons" played over and over and over in my head. Tim had "I Surrender All" running through his head. I felt a whisper tell me that the timing just wasn't right, and I knew that the Lord was sovereign. Tim never left my side, and my parents as well as my brother and sister-in-law came to our house to cook and take care of us as we grieved. My bosses were incredible, telling me to take what time I needed and sending me beautiful bouquets of flowers. I felt very safe and very loved.
My family owns just shy of 500 acres in a small county north of where we live. That weekend, we placed our baby in a small box my dad bought for us and buried our child on my family's property. It was the first funeral my dad had performed, and it was his grandchild. Tough as it was, the closure was very helpful in the healing process. We planted a knockout rosebush at the site of the grave and plan to later plant a tree on the land in memory of our first child.
As I read over what I've written, it all seems very sterile to me. Literally some of the worst writing I think I've ever produced. However, it's the first time I've written the story and made it public. Though many of our friends know, not all do. It's the first time I've been able to write about it and not feel completely weird about it. God IS sovereign, and one day I know we will get to meet our little one. I imagine him or her up there, with my grandfather teaching the "Oh the cow kicked Nelly..." song, or Darrell Holt teaching what jazz really is meant to sound like, or Tim's grandmother teaching all of the hymns. My precious baby gets to experience pure joy without any of the heartaches and hardships of this world, and for that I am truly grateful.
"Though sorrow may last for a night, His joy comes in the morning..."
In March, much sooner than we thought, we discovered we were pregnant again! This time, we waited almost 13 weeks to tell friends, though our parents knew at about 5 weeks. It was hard to get excited right away because the fear of losing another child was very real. We were afraid, plain and simple. As days went by, and the pregnancy progressed, we began to breathe a little easier. I am happy to say that we are 29 weeks today and counting down until our little Isabelle joins us outside of the womb. It's not been without some random stresses like high WBC counts, low ferritin, and a high SD ratio, but I continue to rest in the peace that God is sovereign, whatever the outcome. I truly believe, though, that we are going to have a healthy and happy, sweet little baby girl (that much we know :) sometime around December 7th of this year.
In the meantime, we are preparing. Reading books, painting the room, and making the decisions that have to be made. I'll write another post at another time about how many new pressures come into play when a woman finds herself expecting. It's really quite exhausting and, in my opinion, WAY overdone. Nonetheless, we're looking forward to this next adventure with some trepidation and lots of excitement. I'll write about that too, but at another time. Hopefully, it will be much better writing that what I've produced in this post. Until then...
Much Love,
Louellen
